Our amusing (and slightly posh) friend Jamie doing stand up. Who knew?
Tuesday
Friday
Zezaurian HQ relocates, loses all dignity
Avid losers,
Stop logging in every day to see if there’s been an update. We’re fucking busy! Plus we had the internet confiscated after my mother saw what happened to the bandwidth during “lights out”.
We’ve also been busy relocating the Z HQ to an even crummier block of flats. We’re now in a new neighbourhood that appears to be run, Lord of the Flies style, by a gang of incredibly intimidating eleven year olds. Word to the wise: don’t refuse to buy these children cigarettes from the shop. I had so much spit on my jacket afterwards I had to throw it in the bin as if it didn’t cost me £170.
Anyways, the move, thanks for asking, went quite well. Only one minor hiccup: getting people shown around the flat we were moving out from turned into a minor headache. We had this slut of an estate agent walking prospective tennants in at all sorts of funny hours. The worst was a Saturday morning after I had managed to get rid of the world’s most annoying friend, Duncan, after an extremely heavy night on the alcopops. I finally got him off the sofa and out the door (after pouring yoghurt into his suitcase as punishment for being such a painful asshole) and surveyed the damage.
I felt fucking awful and started sweating really badly. I stripped to my underpants and felt like crying but figured that having a poo and a shower would make me feel better.
My hangover poo was pretty tremendous. It was a strange mixture; somewhere between a gas, liquid and solid and smelled much more sour than usual. Fucker was huge too; like a giant yellow-brown conger eel. Anyways, half way through the poo I heard the door buzzer go and I started laughing that Duncan had obviously found the yoghurt. It kept buzzing but I decided to just sit there and cackle to myself. The buzzing eventually stopped and I finished the turd, satisfied that I was the victor in my ongoing prank battle.
Then, to my horror, the front door started to unlock. I listened, wondering who the heck it could be and then heard the unmistakable, nasal whine of the estate agent.
"Helllloooo, Davvvvid…are you home? ...It’s empty, come on in."
I quickly flushed and started frantically fanning the air as if the building was on fire.
"Davvvvvid? Are you in the toiiiiilet?"
My whole body had gone light. The bathroom door is about 3 foot from the front door and I could hear sheepish footsteps piling into the hall. I don’t really remember asking my hand to open the door, but it did so anyway, the betraying fucker.
I walked out in my underpants, sucking my stomach in as the acrid smell of shit followed me like an embarrassing dog. I looked at the estate agent, smiled and then saw the two attractive young ladies she had with her.
“Good morning” I croaked, watching them actually wince as the smell hit them.
The estate agent quickly ushered them into the living room like a concerned mother, with me slowly following. Then I realised, standing there almost naked, that I didn’t really have anywhere to go. One girl had already started looking around my bedroom, the other heading for the kitchen which left me in the middle of the flat. So I just stood there, arms awkwardly crossed and my little penis poking against the light grey cotton of my M&S underpants.
It was at that moment a little droplet of urine helpfully chose to leave the end of my penis and make a nice, fifty-pence-piece size dark patch.
To be fair, the hangover was now completely cured by fear and shame.
I received sympathetic smiles from the two girls, as if I was mentally handicapped, but living life as best I could. They chose not to even look in the toilet. Far as I can tell they didn’t move in.
Thursday
£1.65
I hate these cunts. So, the most cost effective option for me is to...to..? Wait. OK; I'll post it to Mexico and get it there. Wait, wait. I'll just pick it up on the door. Woah -- hold on. What was I thinking? I'll just post it to my mum's house in Peterborough. No, no. I'll print it out at home, using my own ink and paper. Right. I'll go with that one then. Thanks.
Friday
Chinese Love
A small excerpt from the latest piece of correspondence received from Professor Peelhead, who is presently seeking his fortune in China…
what is my news, well in my desperation of not having a girlfriend I decided to go with a prostitute, so off i went on my bicycle in search of love for money, down the alleys and back alleys i went, spotting mimgers left and right, then i saw one i thought was not too bad, for the grand sum of three pounds i stripped off into my finest, she then proceeded to snot on my shoes, she fired a bogey-flob out of her nose from a standing position onto the floor in the direction of my shoes - I daren't think or check, it put me off my game completely, after the rise and fall in an anti-climatic failure, and three pounds lighter I looked for further ado, I found , I negotiated, I was ready, this one , not to be outdone, told me to go over to the bed, then proceeded to take a piss in a kitchen bowl, which she put on a shelf , and then proceeded, for seven pounds i got a floppy f-ck and a wank, but look on the bright side - we all had a cheap evenings entertainment, actually it wasn't cheap, when i got home i found i had lost 20 quid, which in my little dumpling restaurant is 66 portions of bloody dumplings.
what is my news, well in my desperation of not having a girlfriend I decided to go with a prostitute, so off i went on my bicycle in search of love for money, down the alleys and back alleys i went, spotting mimgers left and right, then i saw one i thought was not too bad, for the grand sum of three pounds i stripped off into my finest, she then proceeded to snot on my shoes, she fired a bogey-flob out of her nose from a standing position onto the floor in the direction of my shoes - I daren't think or check, it put me off my game completely, after the rise and fall in an anti-climatic failure, and three pounds lighter I looked for further ado, I found , I negotiated, I was ready, this one , not to be outdone, told me to go over to the bed, then proceeded to take a piss in a kitchen bowl, which she put on a shelf , and then proceeded, for seven pounds i got a floppy f-ck and a wank, but look on the bright side - we all had a cheap evenings entertainment, actually it wasn't cheap, when i got home i found i had lost 20 quid, which in my little dumpling restaurant is 66 portions of bloody dumplings.
Thursday
"It's the best thing to do"
A conversation with the wonderful Hercules Beefcake...
From: Thomas
Sent: 01 April 2010 09:29
To: David
Subject:
So it looks like someone forgot to extend my contract. Couldn't get into the building today and there's no one in to add me to the system. Looks like I might not get paid today or until it's sorted. Typical.
From: David
Sent: 01 April 2010 10:03
To: Thomas
Subject: RE:
Dude, that sucks. You still looking for a new job?
Listen, Madame came over for a reason last night… this is sort of mind numbing, but she’s pregnant and probably won’t keep it. I’m not gonna come out tonight and will leave work at lunch time.
From: Thomas
Sent: 01 April 2010 10:07
To: David
Subject: RE:
You're kidding me? I assumed you were still bagging up to keep it safe?
From: David
Sent: 01 April 2010 10:09
To: Thomas
Subject: RE:
I know, but we did it, drunkenly without one like ONCE, what seems like forever ago. She was actually ok about it. I don’t really know how I feel about it to be honest.
From: Thomas
Sent: 01 April 2010 10:13
To: David
Subject: RE:
At least you know it works.
Dude she seemed pretty calm when she was talking to us last night. I guess it's different for both of you. I mean, she's still young and not long out of uni and getting a career going whereas you're almost 30 and have mentioned kids before. Think it's the best thing to do though.
From: David
Sent: 01 April 2010 10:16
To: Thomas
Subject: RE:
April Fools, you donkey.
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