But before I give away any handy hints, you need to know that some terrible things can happen to you when riding your bicycle in sub-zero temperatures.
Example #1: Pig-Eye.
I jump out of bed in the morning, leap into my cycling outfit and ride straight to my job as a
Okay, so they don't really look like the eyes of a pig, but Google was being a shit.
Example #2: Tiny genitals.
It's bad enough already having a tiny penis, but the cold wind blowing through your Y-fronts can produce a devastating effect.
For instance, these are normal goolies with part of the alphabet on them and a strange pubic centre parting:
I was so cold last week that I could not use my mouth properly and spoke like a lipless hobo whilst asking a girl for some directions. "Hav hoo hany hidea how hoo het hoo hunt-hauls hathhe-hal hom here?" I said, as she threw some change at my feet.
Also, your toes and fingers ache with frostbite, but I realise that I'm now starting to sound like an enormous, moaning vagina.
So, to combat the cold you need to dress proper. Here is my uncle Mike's friend, Jerome, modelling for me. (I never noticed just how tiny his nipples were.)
Anyways, start with some underpants and socks and cover the important bits:
Keep going; you'll be lookin' and feelin' great:
Then you just ride like the wind...
Just like the wind