The Zezaurian guide to winter cycling

So, when not running away from colon-retchingly bad hangovers, a gaggle of Zezaurians enjoy nothing more than a cycle ride. I don't know about you, but I average around sixteen miles a day, and boy-oh-brother is it ever cold out there at the moment. So cold in fact that I thought I'd waste both my time and yours by providing a guide on how to stay warm.

But before I give away any handy hints, you need to know that some terrible things can happen to you when riding your bicycle in sub-zero temperatures.

Example #1: Pig-Eye.

I jump out of bed in the morning, leap into my cycling outfit and ride straight to my job as a fashion photographer data administrator without even so much as a glance in the poser-glass. This gives me little time to acclimatise my eyeballs to the cold, so I tend to cry for the entire journey like a drama student in a nipple clamp. When I arrive at the office I have Pig-Eye. It’s terrible:

Okay, so they don't really look like the eyes of a pig, but Google was being a shit.

Example #2: Tiny genitals.

It's bad enough already having a tiny penis, but the cold wind blowing through your Y-fronts can produce a devastating effect.

For instance, these are normal goolies with part of the alphabet on them and a strange pubic centre parting:

And here is a Pre-Raphaelite painting of my goolies after thirty minutes in the saddle:

That's a shrinkage of over 55% which is totally uncool in the communal showers we have at work.

Example #3: Talking like a homeless person with no lips

I was so cold last week that I could not use my mouth properly and spoke like a lipless hobo whilst asking a girl for some directions. "Hav hoo hany hidea how hoo het hoo hunt-hauls hathhe-hal hom here?" I said, as she threw some change at my feet.

Also, your toes and fingers ache with frostbite, but I realise that I'm now starting to sound like an enormous, moaning vagina.

So, to combat the cold you need to dress proper. Here is my uncle Mike's friend, Jerome, modelling for me. (I never noticed just how tiny his nipples were.)

Anyways, start with some underpants and socks and cover the important bits:

Then add extra base layers to keep your weird chicken legs toasty, even if you look like a girl on her period:

Keep going; you'll be lookin' and feelin' great:

Then just pile on everything you have in your wardrobe. Here's Jerome wearing his sister's tights, five pairs of trousers, one pair of shorts, two jumpers, three coats, three hats and an 18th century rapist's moustache - and if you're not sweating like a rapist at this stage, you're not doing it right:


Then you just ride like the wind...

Just like the wind