Sunday

The Zezaurian Guide To Surviving A Hangover


Modern medicine will have you believe that a hangover is primarily caused by hypoglycemia, dehydration, acetaldehyde intoxication and vitamin B12 deficiency (thanks Wikipedia) but if you believe that guff, you'll believe anything. After exhaustive studies on the subject, Captain Drib Drab and I have discovered that the hangover is really the evil work of a sadistic rhino who exists in the cosmos and comes down to visit after you've had a hairy night on the sauce. His best pal is an equally sadistic eagle, and they spend all day playing chess and devising new and elaborate ways of making life more vile and intolerable than it already is.

The rhino controls physical pain and suffering, and the eagle is more concerned with emotional turmoil. When they get on your case they make quite a formidable team, and can have you cowering under the duvet and praying to a God you don't believe in for days on end. But have no fear, they are not infallible and can be outwitted.

A fairly effective method for keeping them at bay is to stay on the move, or better still, get out of town for the day. The rhino is a slow moving beast, so if you go somewhere new it can take him a while to track you down. You can also try wearing a disguise. I recommend a fake beard and glasses, but you can use whatever takes your fancy. Unfortunately, he has the eagle to help him out who obviously has the advantage of flight, so it's also important to watch the skies.

If you follow these handy hints you can briefly abate a lot of your hangover horrors. But be warned; the rhino is a persistent bastard and will eventually catch up with you bearing his hateful gifts of pain, regret, despair, nausea, self-loathing, and more pain.

I suppose the only authentic way of avoiding a hangover is to abstain from booze altogether, but even I haven't got a mind so sick as to recommend something that stupid. Drink responsibly, doinks.

13 comments:

  1. an alternative approach to sidestepping the horrors of Count rhino and Dr eagle are to drink the equivalent of your previous nights booze in alka seltzer.
    If you can still see the two frivolous beasts, i would then recommend rubbing baking powder into your eyes.

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  2. please, PLEASE, for the love of GAWD, give that poor soul in the polaroid a sandwich?! Being hungover is the least of their worries, rickets may have already set in by the looks of those distended hips bones...

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  3. alexa chung doesn't eat sandwhiches.

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  4. ooo! maybe with any luck she eats good witches :p

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  5. Why with any luck? Why would you need "luck" to eat good witches?
    Surely she'd just need incredibly strong powers of seduction.
    Anybody who says "Ya she already has them, ya" should be forced to give evidence. Soiled underwear is acceptable.

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  6. Hangovers are fun1 December 2008 at 10:49

    "The rhino controls physical pain and suffering, and the eagle is more concerned with emotional turmoil."

    Mate, you sound crazy. if this is what your hangovers are like, I reckon you're probably on the smack.

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  7. i hada hangover that made me rekon i was on the smakc.

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  8. ^to James^

    sure your hangover didn't just give you oversized fingers/dyslexia?

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  9. somebody has stolen my identity. Fuck off fake James. Get a new name
    James.

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  10. I think we are all digressing from the point at hand. I personally find the best way of avoiding Count Rhino is by consuming one of two dry martini's more than usually the night before. thus waking with the wonderful sense of inebriation still lingering in your system. Then it's simply a process of instructing your butler Jives (or whoever you have) to bring a strong vodka tonic ever half hour. If that doesn't work simply get Branigan (your driver) to escort you to a Parisian lady of the night. She doesn't have to be Parisian merely from personal experience they have far less qualms regarding buggery but I digress. You can also resort to onerism if your a member of the proletariat and are a little strapped for cash.

    Yours,

    Sir Reginald Berkbeck

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  11. James, you may want to read this.

    http://www.mentalhealth.com/story/p52-sc04.html

    There are people that can help.

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  12. ^to I Love the Apocalypse^

    you may want to read this:
    suck my dick.

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  13. to yella bella

    to James^

    sure your hangover didn't just give you oversized fingers/dyslexia?

    oi wots wrong wiht my writin just coz ur a ponce

    to fake james

    eat my shit

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