Flu?

"Doctor, doctor!"

"My god man, what on earth is the matter with you?"

"I think I'm terribly, terribly poorly."

"Okay. What are your symptoms?"

"Well, I just can't stop dancing."

"MY GOD."

"What? What is it?"

"I just don't believe it."

"Doc, what is it? You're scaring me."

"You have a case of...Boogie Fever."

Hollywood

I've been spending quite a bit of time hanging out with "TV" and "film" people recently, something I always thought would sound amazing if I ever got to say that out loud, but it turns out all the people that work in TV and film are self-obsessed splodges of dog shit, so it's not really great at all. Yawn. However, I have managed to wrangle tons of "insider stories" from these horrible little people. I was going to add these facts to Wikipedia, but I got banned from that site for suggesting that The Chronicles of Riddick was actually a pretty good film (it was).

So, here are the top ten things I've learned about famous people that you probably (hopefully!) didn't know:

1. Keanu Reeves has prosthetic buttocks. True! After a motorcycle accident in 1997, the star of Speed lost both his buttocks and now wears a fake pair made from silicone (medically, each cheek is known as a "proarse"). For the sex scene in The Matrix Reloaded the film makers had to CGI out the straps that hold the prosthetic buttocks to his thighs, but you can see them in Downloaded: The Making of the Matrix.

2. Ben Affleck is one of only a handful of people to be allergic to oxygen. To cope with the life threatening disability he has tiny air filters in his nostrils that help convert the gas into methane, which he can breath more easily.

3. John Cusack was born with no eyes and has had them either drawn on by a professional make-up artist or added in during post-production by a special "Eye Generating Computer" developed by his half-brother, Gareth Cusack. This is one of the reasons the 80's heartthrob wears dark shades in so many of his film roles.

4. In the film Big, David Moscow had to wear a specially made "Tom Hanks suit" made by the Jim Henson Workshop. The suit, which weighed over 30 pounds took more than six hours to get into - and was worn for over 12 hours each day over a six week shoot. When asked by reporters if he'd ever do a sequel, Moscow replied: "No way. That suit was so tight and so hot I got a terrible and aggressive fungal infection over my whole body. I smelled of cheese for months afterwards. No, not for all the money in the world."

5. David Blaine was raised by a pod of dolphins and is fluent in their language. He also cites the first seven years of his life living with the aquatic mammals as an "inspiration" to his magic and stunts - some of which include the use of water, which is vital to the way of life for many dolphins.

6. Robert DeNiro once gave birth to a shark.

7. Overwight funny man John Candy was actually two men - the bottom half being his younger brother, Peter Candy, who provided the legs throughout his career. Both men were only 3ft tall and John would stand on his brother's shoulders, wear baggy clothing and do all the verbal acting. Since John's death in 1994 his brother has provided the legs for actors such as Christian Bale and Viggo Mortensen and won the award for "Best Walk" for his work on Lord of the Rings: Return of the King in 2004.

8. Glenn Close played a pterodactyl in 2001's Jurrasic Park III. The veteran actress said she took the role to help raise awareness of dinosaurs with eating disorders. Close is the chairwoman of charity ReptilKidz.

9. Whilst researching for the role of the Terminator, Arnold Schwarzenegger dressed head to toe in tin foil and was sent by director James Cameron back in time to kill the mother of the leader of the human resistance against the machine overlords of the future. Schwarzenegger said the trip had added "realism" to the role he would go on to play in two sequels. For-fucking-real!

10. Al Pacino has a third leg that he conceals in a special pocket in his trousers. In the opening scenes of The Godfather Part II the extra leg can be seen in the reflection of his iconic character's office window. Amazing.

Bonus fact: Lawrence Fishburne is actually white in real life. I know, I know! He uses make-up to appear African-American in his film roles, and says that he just feels "more comfortable doin' it this way."

Oh, fuck off; it's better than Twitter.

Zezaurian Music Dept. explodes in a firestorm of hyperbole

Have you read any of the reviews for Propagandhi’s new album, Supporting Caste? How, without a trace of irony, does someone come up with a sentence like this:

“…Instantly hitting with an insanely tight blitz attack of thrashing guitars and anger drenched vocals, ‘Supporting Caste’ ricochets out of the speakers with intent to not only maim but kill, as Propagandhi’s rush of politically fuelled rampages collide with brutal riffs stapled to a juggernaut of melodic rock…” (Room Thirteen)

Alright, calm down Mr Adverb! You’ll have someone’s eye out!

But there's no stopping him:

“…The thrash frenzy introduction of ‘Dear Coach’s Corner’…ensnares all within a 100 mile radius as audio commentary gives way to harshly euphoric blast of thrash before Propagandhi take the track and throw it slamming into your face, challenged only by the punk melodic charm of ‘The Banger’s Embrace’…Brandishing a barrel load of gang vocals amongst a raging hail of uplifting guitars and drum beats…”

Do music journalists go to drama school before attending journalism class? Do they all sit in a big circle and pitch action movies to invisible CEOs at Fox before running around in their underpants screaming? That last paragraph is actually more frantic than the new Transformers trailer. Thing is, if you didn’t have the album, you’d be scared to put it in your CD player in case it accidentally killed someone.

"Mother! Oh, God! Mother, Toby's head has fallen off!"

"What? How?!"

"It was the new record from progressive-thrash band Propagandhi!"

"But Jeremy! I TOLD you how dangerous that could be!"

I understand the need to be expressive, but if I had a conversation in real life that sounded anything like the crazy talk these idiots puke out, I’d get a punch in the throat.

[Answering the phone]

Me: Hello?

Mum: Hi, honey, how are you?

Me: Mother! I’m literally exploding with the violent chain reaction of a four BILLION ton TNT explosion in you face right now.

Mum: That’s nice, Dezmond. How’s the move going? You all settled into your new flat?

Me: Settled in? You’re kidding me, right? I’m not just settled in; I’m literally on fire just arranging the furniture. The new pad is like a hail of bullets made from unicorn horns travelling faster than the speed of light in a vortex of destruction. It’s so intense in my living room right now that every living soul within a mile radius is bleeding from their eyeballs with jealousy at what I’ve picked up from Ikea.

Mum: Well, me and your father will pop over when we can to see you. Do you need anything bringing down?

Me: Holy God, mother. If you and dad arrive at my flat - that’s actually more like an inter-dimensional time-portal of whirling supernovae - you’d have to enjoy an exploding cup of fennel tea with me just so you can understand what its like to have your brain sucked out of your nostrils at a thousand-miles-per-second whilst having a ten ton brick of annihilation thrown into your pathetic chest cavity by a warlock of made from obliteration itself.

Or something.

(9/10 for the new album by the way. I’ll describe it as “splendid.”)


Miss J.F Jukebox

A warm welcome to our newest member

Jesus! All we did was send this girl her Zezaurian cap and membership card in exchange for the postage and packaging. If she turns up to the camping expedition I'm going to have to mace her in the face.

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