As promised, we took nothing with us but a knife, an axe, and a box of matches. I also took my trusty harmonica along to provide us with some light entertainment (the doctor says it'll make it's own way out without surgical intervention if I eat plenty of roughage).
It was a struggle to even make our way into the woods, as there was a swarm of doggers congregated in the car park awaiting their sordid peep show. To avoid their twisted leers, we followed the perimeter of the forest, found a way in through a hedge and tried to locate a spot to erect a shelter.
The darkness was deeply oppressive, which, coupled with the fractured squawks of hungry birds and Dr. Dolorous' asthmatic breathing had a very unsettling effect on my mind. I persevered, gripping the axe tightly in readiness for any wild beast that dared come near. To be truthful though, my main concern was fending off any sudden amorous advances from my companion. After the passage of several hours and many arguments, we found a suitable clearing and constructed a crude bivouac that would serve as our home for the remainder of the night. We built a feeble fire and had a long discourse regarding the nature of existence, but after a while our thoughts inevitably turned to food, of which we had none.
We made several unsuccessful attempts at killing a lame rabbit with a woggly eye, but each time we went to deliver the death-blow, our wimpy consciences sprang up and barred the way. The cold was starting to creep into our bones, my hands were blue, and I began to think that our chances of survival were as tiny as Drib Drab's winky. As the Doctor began to weep and curse that we could have possibly thought this trip was a good idea, my eyes rapidly trained upon a cluster of mushrooms sprouting from the fertile forest soil. Problem solved.
I wasn't feeling quite right myself either, and had spent the previous thirty minutes wondering why there were flashing neon signs promising 'Girls, Girls, Girls' in the middle of a forest, and I couldn't figure out why my feet were reciting poetry. I still had enough sense to get away from that depraved maniac Dolorous though. I darted into the pitch black unknown but he was hot on my heels. The trees developed personalities and faces, I heard sweet jazz music float through the air and saw giant foxes smoking pipes and wearing dinner jackets. I quickly began to suspect that the mushrooms we ingested weren't quite kosher.
Dolorous eventually caught up with me, crying “Barbara, don't leave!” as we collapsed into an addled, gesticulating heap at the bottom of a ditch. From this point onward until the sun rose, my mind draws an inexplicable blank. I don't know whether it was the dodgy mushrooms or some sort of head injury, but I can't for the life of me recall what occurred during those lost hours. One thing I do know though, is that that bloody pervert did not in any way interfere with me sexually. No way Jose. Not in a month of Sundays. No sir. Not a chance.
I hope Drib Drab remembers to pick up my Anusol cream from the chemist.