Zezaurian Chess Department invents new opening move

The Oxford Companion to Chess lists 1,327 named openings and variants in the classic game. You have classic manoeuvres such as the Réti Opening, the Queen's Gambit Declined or more interesting and tactical moves, such as the Latvian Gambit, the Two Knights Defence or even the Traxler Variation. However, The Zezaurian Companion to Chess lists 1,328 openings. The extra move was discovered by renowned philanderer Professor Peelhead and his tennis coach, Monsieur Taxidermy.

In true Zezaurian fashion, Professor Peelhead and Monsieur T have decided to share the coveted move with you, the only person who visits this site our fervent readers. One word of caution however; this move is for experienced players only. So, to try and keep things as simple as possible, the Professor has kindly illustrated the move below.

Peelhead's Guide to the Zezaurian Gambit

It’s best to stare your opponent in the eyes when doing this, even if they have a face like my colleague's, which is quite difficult to look at. Remember: chess is as much about psychology as it is pretending you're clever and interesting when playing in a packed London bar.

1. First things first: take a pawn, any old one will do, and move it forward two squares. If you’re black (the chess black, not the Lenny Henry black) it’ll now be your turn to move. You can just shrug your shoulders and move any pawn you fancy. Do it all nonchalant, like it ain't no thang.

2. Now, you really do need to concentrate for this next move. Monsieur T and I took years before we realised that we should have been doing this instead of our normal chess openings:

Leave the board alone and stare at your opponent like you might go bananas. Make your eyes as intense as you can and don't blink. You might even want to chew your lip like you might eat your own face off because you're so serious about going bonko. Do this until they agree to give you both their bank card and their PIN number. You can shake a fist if necessary. It can take time, so it’s often best to limber them up beforehand with a pint of Guinness and a sincere sounding compliment about their fancy haircut.

3. Black vs. White

If you're doing this right, you'll look down and now see something similar to this set-up:

4. Using your bishop

You need to be careful to judge your opponent at this juncture, but by adding some of this into the fold you should end up with something rather like this little gambit (be careful if it’s a school night).

5. Rooks

OK. So far, so good. Now, you should be able to gauge whether or not you are doing this correctly by looking at your opponent and checking how much they look like this:

If you look over and you see this, then you're doing A-Ok. Good work, champ.

6. Counter-attack

Things might get a little hairy now, but if you don't at least try and pull this move off you're just a knob.

7. Critical position

Depending on how well you're doing, try your best to position your favourite piece near one of these:

But I understand if you just don't have the nut sacks for this one.

8. Double attack

For the love of baby Jesus, stay away from one of these. You've come a long way, but you're not as good as you think you are.

9. Epaulette mate

If you're following these instructions properly, you should be doing this about now:

10. Grandmaster draw

Nice one. You've done it. Now you can close the session with a bit of this:

You won't even know who won the chess, but you'll have MASSIVE, donkey-sized hangover the next day.
Next chess club is on Sunday at 4. Bring your sisters.


  1. It was a skint year back in 1955. We felt sorry for the Gerard twins, nearly grown and still having to share the same set of clothing. Poor Timmy got the short end of the stick, having no pants or trousers to wear, he never left the house and the pesky dog was constantly sniffing his arse. Twas a Christmas to remember, each recieved the items sorely missing from their wardrobes. No more stiff nipples for Jack and Timmy's nuts finally descended back down to their intended place outside his body. Ahh, I feel the Christmas warmth radiate from that photo! Good times...

  2. Thats not the worst post ever! I loved it, as usual.

    Zoe. x

  3. why are nuts on the outside anyways?

  4. An alternative approach is to persuade your opponent to eat a piece of buttered shortbread. If they comply, then you know you have won the game, regardless of whether they take your king or not.
    This especially applies if the opponent is 'vegan'.

  5. Well... Obviously, Boys, it's much easier to crack a nut when it's outside the body cavity, but more importantly, hanging nutsacks give you something warm and furry to throw over your shoulder in your later years, when the cold winds of winter chill yer bones... Dur!

  6. Which is funny, James, because most ‘vegetarians’ I know don’t eat pigs blood, lamb or beef. Unless they’re total flakes, of course.

    But what do I know, James, my boy, because we never actually met up, did we? You crazy bastard.

    Kindest Regards,

    Drib Drab.

  7. ho ho you've got me all wrong Drib Drab.
    i'm no vegetarian, I eat all sorts of meat. So long as it doesn't cum in my mouth.