In true Zezaurian fashion, Professor Peelhead and Monsieur T have decided to share the coveted move with you,
Peelhead's Guide to the Zezaurian Gambit
It’s best to stare your opponent in the eyes when doing this, even if they have a face like my colleague's, which is quite difficult to look at. Remember: chess is as much about psychology as it is pretending you're clever and interesting when playing in a packed London bar.
1. First things first: take a pawn, any old one will do, and move it forward two squares. If you’re black (the chess black, not the Lenny Henry black) it’ll now be your turn to move. You can just shrug your shoulders and move any pawn you fancy. Do it all nonchalant, like it ain't no thang.
2. Now, you really do need to concentrate for this next move. Monsieur T and I took years before we realised that we should have been doing this instead of our normal chess openings:
Leave the board alone and stare at your opponent like you might go bananas. Make your eyes as intense as you can and don't blink. You might even want to chew your lip like you might eat your own face off because you're so serious about going bonko. Do this until they agree to give you both their bank card and their PIN number. You can shake a fist if necessary. It can take time, so it’s often best to limber them up beforehand with a pint of Guinness and a sincere sounding compliment about their fancy haircut.
3. Black vs. White
If you're doing this right, you'll look down and now see something similar to this set-up:
4. Using your bishop
You need to be careful to judge your opponent at this juncture, but by adding some of this into the fold you should end up with something rather like this little gambit (be careful if it’s a school night).
OK. So far, so good. Now, you should be able to gauge whether or not you are doing this correctly by looking at your opponent and checking how much they look like this:
If you look over and you see this, then you're doing A-Ok. Good work, champ.
Things might get a little hairy now, but if you don't at least try and pull this move off you're just a knob.
Depending on how well you're doing, try your best to position your favourite piece near one of these:
But I understand if you just don't have the nut sacks for this one.
8. Double attack
For the love of baby Jesus, stay away from one of these. You've come a long way, but you're not as good as you think you are.
10. Grandmaster draw
Nice one. You've done it. Now you can close the session with a bit of this:
You won't even know who won the chess, but you'll have MASSIVE, donkey-sized hangover the next day.
Next chess club is on Sunday at 4. Bring your sisters.