Zezaurian Astronomy Dept. gets a Facebook account

When life gets you down, or you stare at your Facebook page and wonder, "why am I such a drip?" it’s usually best to think "what would Tupac do?" and take some time out to think about something that’s actually interesting for once. Sending barely intelligible messages to other drips is not interesting, no matter how you dress it up. But thinking about the super-massive black hole at the centre of our galaxy sure is.

I know, I know; you thought it would be you at the centre of the galaxy, but no, it’s actually "something" (most likely a black hole) 4.5 million times the mass of the sun. If, like me, you live in England you've probably never seen the sun, but I've been assured that the fucker is huge. Like, so huge it’s making my brain ache just thinking about it. So I can’t really compute something being 4.5 million times its mass.

Still, this black hole is also 300,000 light years away, which is a distance so vast it’s making my brain and my nipples ache. But at that distance, this HUGE monster of space-and-time-bending-madness is the size of a football on the moon. A FOOTBALL ON THE MOON. Please tell me you find this more interesting that writing "LOL" under pictures of last Saturday’s drunken mess?

What’s that? You do!?

Then why-oh-why am I the only fucker in the Zezaurian Astronomy Dept.?

Don't say it's because hanging out with me in a field looking at the sky is lame. It's not. It's amazing. Trust me, the first time I ever saw Saturn's rings through a telescope I could not sleep for days. Heck, it's even better than The X-Files comic series - and the The X-Files comic series is pretty cool.

So, in an attempt to lure in at least one new assistant member I would like to present to you my top ten facts about the universe as an act of persuasion.

In order of amazingness...

10. A supernova explosion produces more energy in its first ten seconds than the Sun will in its entire lifetime. Seriously, that is just astonishing. Are you not astonished? Really? Then how this little fact:

9. Uranus smells really bad today.

8. How many moons do you think Jupiter has? Guess first, then highlight to answer: Duh. It’s 63, you dope.

7. The universe is so vast in relation to the matter it contains that it can be compared in the following way: A building 20 miles long, 20 miles wide and 20 miles high that contains just one, tiny-weenie grain of sand. And there’s you looking at this stupid website when you could be out hugging nature.

6. Our galaxy has approximately 100 thousand million stars alone. Outside that, there are millions upon millions of other galaxies. Zezaurian astronomers (me) would guess that there are 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars in the entire universe. Holysmokes! That’s just too much to take in. Go and smoke a massive blunt and think about that. Then draw me a picture of your confusion.

A pulsar is a small star made up of neutrons so densely packed together that if one the size of a ten pence coin landed on earth, it would weigh approximately 100 million tons. Which is about the same as yo mama weighs.

4. The star Betelgeuse (it's in that video up top), is a total mutha humper of a gas-ball. With a diameter of around 700 million miles, if you put that sonofabitch in the centre of our solar system it would extend beyond the orbit of Jupiter. Does your tiny human brain have any idea how fucking massive that is? Its bigger than Lady Gaga. That's how big.

3. The Milky Way has a radius of about 50,000 light years - but there is a giant supercluster of galaxies in the direction of the constellations Perseus and Pegasus that is over a thousand million light-years long. Woooo-ie. That's special.

2. Uranus smells worse than it did one minute ago. Get some fresh wipes in there, stinky.

And my all time favourite...

1. Most of the elements found in the human body originated in stars; we are literally made of stardust. This never fails to blow me away. Then I look at people like this and realise that it's not all that romantic at all.


I will be star watching on Sunday evening using my Newtonian Refracting Telescope. If I find life on another planet, I’ll let you know. If you find life on this planet, let me know.

Live long and prosper,

Drib Tiberius Drab.

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