Firstly, I would like to thank you for creating your society, it illuminates my otherwise colourless days and encourages me to grab life by the gonads. However, the purpose of this letter is not to shower you with praise, but to ask for your advice! You see, I have a little problem. I'm thirty-six years old and have yet to interfere with a woman sexually. As you are obviously men of the world, I was hoping you could give me some tips on how to remedy my grim predicament.
PS. I have enclosed a photograph of myself so you have a better idea of what I'm up against.
Okay, thanks for taking the time to drop us a line, George, but we're the last people you should ask in regard to this kind of stuff. I know as much about women as Amy Winehouse knows about soap, and Drib Drab thinks his erections are for pissing over high walls. But you're in luck little buddy, because it just so happens that I'm acquainted with Zezaurian temptress, Joy De Vivre, a respected authority on the subject. I explained your troubles to Joy, and here's what she had to say:
Well mon ami, this is a tough one. The usual advice I would give to someone in this sort of situation is to just get out there and be yourself, but judging by your letter and the attached photo, that's the last thing you should be doing, so I don't know what to tell you. You've gone this far without the tender caress of one you love, so just hang in there and I'm sure you'll manage to endure another thirty-six years. If the pressure does get too much, you could always resort to utilising the oldest profession in the book. You might want to check out Chattanooga, Tennessee, where you can find this selection of exquisite creatures roaming the night-
So there you go, George. I hope you find some comfort in Joy's kind words and useful suggestions. Don't worry little buddy, hang tough and something's bound to turn up.