Zezaurian Annual Pickled Onion Eating Competition ends in tragedy

Fire fighters were called out to a house in Peterborough last night after a huge methane explosion. Neighbours alerted the emergency services at around 6pm after a series of loud and protracted "bum sounds" followed by what one local resident described as, "a smell so bad it gave me AIDS."

According to early reports, a small group of people had gathered to eat "Steve's Pickled Onions" as part of an annual competition inspired by the events at Tunguska in 1908.

"Things were going quite well," said Gunther Dross, a retired dentist and amateur sellotape enthusiast. "But after the eighth jar of onions was consumed this one guy keeled over and complained of an intense burning in his anus. That's when the first explosion occurred."

Fire crews battled a blaze of blue flames that completely destroyed a newly installed bird feeding station and massively upset a miserable old lady at number 22.

"I lost a best friend in there," said Mr Oppenheimer, the organiser of the event. "It was awful. He couldn't get his pants off quick enough and this watery sludge just jetted from him. The smell alone could have killed a village of lumberjack elephants. We ran from the building and as I turned I saw my friend explode in a cloud of faeces and vinegar."

Police investigating the incident said that they hope this acts as a warning to others. "Pickled onions of this strength are not toys," said a spokesperson. "We urge people to exercise caution and think of the consequences that this sort of food abuse can cause, particularly if you mix with gob-fulls of overcooked brussel sprouts just hours before."

When asked if the smelly cloud of poisonous fumes hanging over the neighbourhood would clear, the police spokeswoman said it could be weeks. She also added that she was upset to have missed the end of the new episode of Dr. Who because of the incident.


  1. Dr who was rubbish anyways.

  2. "We ran from the building and as I turned I saw my friend explode in a cloud of faeces and vinegar."

    thats horrible. why would anyone eat picked onions?! they're disgusting.

  3. gherkins are far superior

  4. ...but pickled eggs? C'mon.